Live from New York

In 2000, the most powerful "post-debate spin" against Al Gore as Darrell Hammond's Saturday Night Live impression. SNL was back on Saturday night. I didn't see it, but from the transcript, it seems like at least the writers have both candidates down perfectly. Well, they've got a cartoon version of Bush and the real John Kerry. And, see if you agree with me, that does not bode well for John Kerry.

"Jim Lehrer": "Good evening. From the University of Miami convocation center in Coral Gables, Florida, I'm Jim Lehrer of 'The NewsHour' on PBS. Okay, anyway, I welcome you to the first of the 2004 presidential debates between President George W. Bush, the Republican nominee, and Senator John Kerry, the Democratic nominee. Before we begin, let's go over the ground rules, which have been carefully worked out by representatives of the 2 campaigns. As moderator, I will ask all questions, including follow-ups. The candidates may not ask each other questions, interrupt one another, wave to each other, or make any unnecessary eye contact. In addition, the candidates have agreed not to leave their respective podiums to approach one another, and in order to enforce this rule, they have been fitted with special collars, which will keep them inside an invisible fence, running 30 inches out from the center of their lecterns. And here I would like to acknowledge the generous assistance of the good folks at Smart Fence, Incorporated -- for 40 years, Southern Florida's leader in world class pet containment systems. Now let's meet the candidates. ... Both candidates know the format. I will direct the first question to President Bush, and whatever the nature of the question, he will try to change the subject to 9/11. After a follow up, I will ask Senator Kerry to respond, and the senator will remind the audience that he served in Vietnam. Following Senator's Kerry's rebuttal, there will be a brief disruption by demonstrators from Act Up and after order is restored, we will continue with a question for the senator. So let's begin. ... President Bush, the official position of your administration continues to be that Iraq will hold elections in January. Given the chaotic situation in that country, how will this be possible?"

Pres. "Bush": "Jim, our plan in Iraq has always been a 3 phase plan. Phase 1 -- invade a country, free a people and remove a brutal dictator. No one will deny Phase 1 was a complete success."

"Lehrer": "What about Phase 2?"

"Bush": "As we all know, there are those in Iraq who don't want freedom for that country. The Saddam loyalists, the insurgents, the terrorists. In Phase 2, we smoke these folks out by letting them think they're winning, you know? Convincing them that we don't know what we're doing. In other words, lulling them into a false sense of security. And that's where we are right now. Phase 2 -- the lulling phase. And despite what our critics would tell you, it's working. Terrorist confidence and morale has never been higher."

"Lehrer": "And what happens in Phase 3?"

"Bush": "Jim, we're still working on Phase 3. And believe me, we're working hard. Cause, it's ah, hard work. And we're working hard. Every day. We're working evenings. Ordering in. Working hard together. Now to answer your question, we don't know all the details yet. But basically in Phase 3, we crush the terrorists, and then hold elections so that the Iraqi people can choose their own destiny. Because I believe all people want freedom, don't you?"

"Lehrer": "Absolutely. But when you say, crush the terrorists, how exactly do you plan to do that?"

"Bush": "By working hard. Working Saturdays."

"Lehrer": "So your plan is to crush the terrorists by coming in on Saturdays?"

"Bush": "If that's what it takes."

"Lehrer": "Senator Kerry, your response?"

"John Kerry": "A silver star, a bronze star, and 3 purple hearts."

"Lehrer": "Excuse me?"

"Kerry": "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were asking me what decorations I won in Vietnam."

"Lehrer": "No, I wanted your reaction to the president's plan."

"Kerry": "Jim, the fact is, this administration lied to the American people. We were told Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. It was about to acquire these weapons. That it was closely involved with al Qaeda. And after misleading us into the war, we now find out this president doesn't have a plan to win the peace. He doesn't, but I do."

"Lehrer": "And what is your plan, Senator?"

"Kerry": "I will do what this president should have done in the first place, which is enlist the help of our European allies, so that the future of Iraq is not solely America's responsibility."

"Lehrer": "But senator, given that many European governments were reluctant to come on board before the invasion, how would you convince them to step in now?"

"Kerry": "Jim, I would sit down with France, Germany and Russia and I would explain to them why we simply can't afford to ignore Iraq. I remind them that Iraq maintains vast stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction, that it's actively seeking to acquire nuclear weapons, that it closely allied with al Qaeda, that it was almost certainly behind 9/11."

"Lehrer": "But just a few minutes ago, didn't you say that none of that was true?"

"Kerry": "I changed my mind."

"Lehrer": "Mr. President, continuing with Senator Kerry's point, suppose we fail to stop the insurgency in Iraq, do you have a contingency plan to restore stability in the country?'

"Bush": "Of course we do, Jim. We work hard. We came up with a contingency plan. You know, that's our job. And it's hard work, thinking up a plan. Let alone 2 plans. A regular plan, and a contingency plan. A lot of long hours. Reading documents and you know, sitting in meetings, and you know, uh, I came in on Sunday once."

"Lehrer": "Could you describe this contingency plan?"

"Bush": "Let me first say I don't believe this contingency plan will be necessary because, the fact is, you know, we're winning. But if by some chance it should prove impossible to restore stability in time for elections, our back up plan would be to replace Mr. Allawi with a more forceful, authoritarian leader, someone who can bring order to Iraq until it's ready for democracy."

Lehrer": "And that leader would be?"

"Bush": "Saddam Hussein."

Lehrer: "So, you're considering returning Saddam Hussein to power?"

"Bush": "You know, that's the back up plan. Now is that our first choice? Of course not, that's why it's just a back up. Although I will say, if you're looking for a strong, decisive leader you could do a lot worse than Saddam Hussein. He ran the country for 30 years so he's got the experience. There'd be no on-the-job training with Saddam Hussein. He'd hit the ground running. Plus, he works hard. Puts in the long hours. Eats at his desk. Comes in weekends. And, unlike my opponent, once Saddam Hussein takes a position, you know, he sticks to it, he doesn't shift in the wind."

"Lehrer": "Senator, the president appears to be leveling a charge that he frequently repeats against you that you're a flip-flopper. How do you respond?"

"Kerry": "My opponent would like you to believe that I've changed my opinion on the war. The fact is I have one position, and one position only. Was Saddam a threat? Yes. I've said so since day 1. Was his regime dangerous to the security of the United States? Of course not. Did he deserve to be removed? You bet. Was it the right action to remove him from power? No way. Was he in possession of weapons of mass destruction? Absolutely. Did he possess these weapons? No he did not. And that has always been my position."

"Lehrer": "President Bush, you're response?"

"Bush": "You know, there he goes again, Jim. I don't know how you can win a war when you keep saying 'wrong war, wrong place, wrong time.'"

"Lehrer": "I don't think he said that."

"Bush": "Oh, I thought I heard him say that."

"Lehrer": "No sir, he did not. He said plenty of nonsensical things, any one of which you could very easily refute. But just now he did not say anything close to 'wrong war, wrong place, wrong time.'"

"Bush": "He didn't?"

"Lehrer": "With that, this debate comes to a close. Each candidate will now make a brief closing statement. Senator Kerry?"

"Kerry": "You know, this president likes to talk about how I called Iraq the wrong war in the wrong place at the wrong time. That a few days later, how I said that anyone who doesn't think the world is a safer place without Saddam Hussein isn't fit to be commander in chief. But what he doesn't tell you is that when I denounce the war in Iraq, I was speaking to an anti-war group. And when I endorsed the war, I was addressing to a pro-war delegation from the UGA. The fact of the matter is, I have consistently supported the war in front of pro-war audiences, and condemned it when speaking to groups that oppose it. That is not flip-flopping, that is pandering, and Americans deserve a president who knows the difference! Thank you."

"Lehrer": "President Bush?"

"Bush": "September 11 changed how America must look at the world. I wake up everyday and work hard, thinking about how to protect America. That's my job. And it's hard. It's hard work. Frankly, I don't know why my opponent even wants this job. Cause it's hard. A lot of people, working at meetings, it's hard work."

"Lehrer": "And with that, our debate comes to a close. Thank you. And live from New York, it's Saturday night"

Comments

[Arianne]

I just posted about this yesterday. :) Yes, I totally agree with you. I couldn't believe how well that actor portrayed Kerry, and, like you said, Bush was made a caricature. They definitely made fun of the "style" of Bush and the "substance" of Kerry, which doesn't help Bush, but can only hurt Kerry.